This blog is written tongue firmly in cheek.

The New Catholics A pipe dream from Tom Smith (feel free to ignore) [For a more serious look at the events in Dar es Saleem, click here.] I have signed up for and do receive news accounts from our own Episcopal Church as well as from the Anglican Communion offices in London. When the most recent meeting of Anglican Communion branch leaders (“primates” such as archbishops, presiding bishops, etc.) resulted in a communiqué that seeks to impose the will of others on the governance of the Episcopal Church in the United States, I paused. Then I reflected until a solution presented itself. It is a solution startling in its clarity. I may be so bold as to call it “a modest proposal.” It should be emphasized at the outset that this proposal is not endorsed by anyone other than myself. By the time I finish writing this, even I may not endorse it, but for now I am wholehearted in my support of myself. It does not represent the views of the clergy or the people of St. Martin in the Fields Parish, nor does it pretend to represent the thinking of our diocesan bishop or our presiding bishop. I will point out, however, that the proposal is informed by reflections, theological and otherwise, by our bishop and many others—including those ancients who wrote, gathered and edited the thoughtful material that we know as the Bible. I think of the Bible as a handbook not so much on how to get to heaven, but how to live a good and Godly life on earth. One of my favorite theologians, Sid Oakley (author, raconteur, all-round good fellow), once upon a time summed up a goodly portion of the Good Book by pointing out that Jesus often said “bring everyone to me. Follow me, everyone.” Jesus did not limit himself to Jewish men, Gentile men, fishermen, specific ethnic groups, heterosexuals, homosexuals, the poor, the rich, the halt, the blind or the lame. In his day he welcomed and ministered to tax collectors, Gentiles and prostitutes. His was a mercy without borders. The gist of his teaching was that the New Covenant applied to everyone, not just those of his own ethnicity or to the righteous scribes, Pharisees and others who had worked and studied so hard to qualify themselves to speak to the rest of us on behalf of God. Over two thousand years this message has been changed and reinterpreted many times. Now we are in an age where a very vocal minority disagrees strongly that the New Covenant applies to anyone but those who publicly think like them. In their terms of the priesthood, women need not apply. Women may keep their heads covered and participate in worship but that worship must always be led by men. Homosexual people need not apply to this version of the church, for their very lives are a crime. “Don’t ask, don’t tell” might be an option, but honesty is not. Without further ado, the crux of my modest proposal is simply this: a partial merger with the Roman Catholic Church. For many years, generations of Episcopalians, Anglicans and Roman Catholics have met together and explored just such a possibility. We have had difficulty closing a deal because of some theological issues, but theology is the product of human minds. We can get over that. I propose that we have a gathering sooner than later at the Vatican (I doubt that Pope Benedict would want to come to Canterbury) and hammer out the deal. We cede to the Roman Catholics the dioceses of South Carolina, San Joaquim, Pittsburgh, Forth Worth and Quincy. In return for our Church quitclaiming these New Catholic bishops and their properties, these dioceses will cede to our Church those parishes which do not wish to submit to the will of a foreign power, i.e. the Vatican. In return for that favor, our Church cedes to the New Catholics those parishes that are in the minority in their dioceses in seeking the oversight of a foreign power. This would take care of the several congregations in Virginia who want out. How can the offended bishops and priests now not be placated? They will have been placed properly in the hierarchy of a Church that has a presiding bishop (the Bishop of Rome) who will be more than happy to give them direct supervision on living their lives and operating their parochial kingdoms. The dire threat of a leader who is also a woman will be removed. The Bishop of Rome will keep them free of female priests and honestly homosexual priests. The New Catholics may still have homosexual people among them, but they will be deeply closeted. We suspect that many homosexual clergy, in all honesty, will decide to align themselves with the reinvigorated and independent remains of the Episcopal Church. It is true that many of these New Catholics may find themselves in dioceses and archdioceses with some public relations and legal problems related to pedophilia, etc., but the idea of “coverup” will not be totally foreign to them. There is the celibacy thing, but it is not really a problem. What about the wives and children of bishops and priests who find themselves in the Roman Catholic Church and now beholden to a foreign power? The Roman church many years ago solidified its hypocrisy about celibacy by receiving Episcopal and Church of England priests who had wives and children. These priests were received mercifully to relieve them of the possibility they might have to serve at the same altar with a female cleric, but it is okay if they sleep with their grandfathered spouses. Each priest who becomes a New Catholic will be allowed to remain non-celibate until the day their spouse dies or divorces him. After that, it’s “don’t ask, don’t tell.” Our brothers who move on to the Roman Catholic denomination will not only be safe from dangerous thinking about sex and sexuality, they will also be encouraged to quit thinking altogether. Thus, much of their energy will be saved for the Catholic road ahead. If this seems like a total “win-win” for the conservatives, think again. With the nay-sayers and reactionaries now safely behind the Roman wall, our Church will be free to renew its spirit, live into its baptismal vows, and once again invite everyone to follow our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ. We will get out of people’s bedrooms so that we can think more globally. We will be able to establish many dioceses and parishes in lands we have not heretofore actively sought to save. I am thinking especially of our brothers and sisters in the United Kingdom. And specifically, England. It has long worried me that we are somehow under the guidance of their spiritual leader, the Archbishop of Canterbury. He has a nice beard and certainly looks the part, but he doesn’t really have a church! We are expected to take advice from a man whose church is no longer attended on anything like a regular basis by anyone under the age of 70. People over 70 deserve a good Church, of course, but the demographics are not good for the longer term. Protestants in England (storied seat of the Anglican Communion) are rapidly becoming a minority in their own land. Roman Catholics are gaining ground in England due to immigration, mostly, and so are the Muslims. Both “new” groups are doing a much better job getting their congregations to attend worship services and study the tenets of their religion. Without our help, it could be that soon the inhabitants of these storied isles may be much more familiar with the Pope and with Mohammed than they are with Jesus Christ. There is a lot of Christian missionary work to be done in England. I think we can get it organized. This proposal is indeed as marvelous as it is modest. I have read the whole thing and still support it thoroughly. “Episcopalians for God; Anglicans for Authority,” is my motto, and I commend it to you.